Apparently, I’m normal. Or rather, my parts are normal, according to the ob/gyn doc, after performing both kinds of ultrasound scans (I’m sure you know that I mean). Blood tests and first-time pap smear were clean too. Without going into much detail, it was a very pleasant visit. I guess I should expect no less of private healthcare (oh, the bill)! I was nervous going in, but I left reassured.
Doc said that, for now, the most probable cause of my irregular cycles is stress. She jokingly suggested changing jobs, and I laughed – because I’d left my previous job two years ago to get away from an unhappy career, but seemed to have run into more stress in my current one.
She prescribed Clomid to help us along, but said it was up to us to take it or continue to try unassisted. And IF there was “no good news” (which, interestingly, was a phrase universally used by all of the clinic’s staff), then we shall return for further (and more expensive) tests.
Right after the appointment, I felt lighter and more hopeful. No fibroid or cyst or abnormal ovaries. And also a little terrified. Like, I could possibly be pregnant in the next few months! Like, more possibly than before!
Now, more than three weeks after the appointment, I have settled down from the euphoria, and definitely more terrified. What if Clomid didn’t do anything for me? What if I soared to higher hopes only to fall into a wider, deeper, darker pit of disappointment? I know I exaggerate, because I have not even reached the pinnacle of TTC struggles as many others are going through. And I deeply empathise with these sisters – if I can’t bear a mere 1.5 years into the journey, I can’t imagine years and years more of disappointments. No one should have to endure so much for a good thing.
On this note, I recently attended a talk for Christian women, which included a session on singleness. The speaker pointed out various reminders of how single people have not missed out on anything. They are not missing parts of life, but are whole beings completely redeemed by Jesus.
Speaking on the feeling of contentment, what really hit me was the knowledge that, at the final day when we come to presence of the full glory of God, there will be no more tears, no more suffering, no sadness, no pain. We will be truly satisfied, fully contented, and will see that our lives on earth are merely a speck on the eternal timeline.
This is such a comforting reassurance for me, knowing that for all the hurts and disappointment in this lifetime, those feelings will not accompany my heart forever. More importantly, this is a reminder that life as God wills it is not about trying to be good or living a good life according to our way, but according to God’s way.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelations 21:3-4
… So through the trials I choose to say: “Your perfect will in your perfect way.”
– Perfect Wisdom of Our God, Keith & Kristyn Getty
“The perfect wisdom of our God,
Revealed in all the universe:
All things created by His hand,
And held together at His command.
He knows the mysteries of the seas,
The secrets of the stars are His;
He guides the planets on their way,
And turns the earth through another day.
The matchless wisdom of His ways,
That mark the path of righteousness;
His word a lamp unto my feet,
His Spirit teaching and guiding me.
And oh, the mystery of the cross,
That God should suffer for the lost
So that the fool might shame the wise,
And all the glory might go to Christ!
Oh grant me wisdom from above,
To pray for peace and cling to love,
And teach me humbly to receive
The sun and rain of Your sovereignty.
Each strand of sorrow has a place
Within this tapestry of grace;
So through the trials I choose to say:
“Your perfect will in your perfect way.”